A Couple of Poems...
FOR THE BIG MEN IN MY LIFE...
Where it's been HARDEST for me to
let go...
This was originally posted in March 2016, but was updated at the very end of November 2021...
TO: ME ETC....
The first name initials are all there... out of chronological order... but strangely making a different kind of sense...
Although I didn't always tell you in words
And perhaps my actions were unclear...
I used to like you...
And perhaps my actions were unclear...
I used to like you...
Liked you VERY MUCH!!!
Even thought I loved...
Thought I could recognize love...
Thought I knew what it was...
But now...
After all these years...
Turns out...
Liking is irrelevant...
And what I liked
Maybe not in you at all...
And love....
Well love's
A stranger now...
As of the middle of November 2021, 24 years have passed since I first started working to "let go" of the man whose initial comes first... Even after all these years of working HARD to "let him go"... NOT because I wanted to, but because it felt necessary, required and "right"... I've still had trouble, sometimes A LOT of trouble because it felt like something important was missing... It has, though, gotten increasingly clear that our journeys no longer mesh well and that it's better for me to learn how to travel alone... and this realization has helped me A LOT! I definitely feel I have more to learn from a solo journey! Nonetheless, even after ALL the years and ALL the HARD work I've still had trouble... sometimes... with no connection at all to this man. I DO want to try this solo journey, so I DON'T want to just replace him with another, but I still feel like I'd have been happy with a little here... with him. No connection at all has been VERY uncomfortable... a sad undercurrent I've just had to live with... However, as time goes on I notice I'm missing less and less... and in fact, now at last, just as I begin December 2021, I feel finally free from this "missing" that has haunted me for so long! As a result, I'm hopeful that I HAVE managed, at long last, to turn this VERY difficult and challenging corner of my life's path! However, after working SO hard for SO long to walk away from him, I'm definitely stronger and find I'm more and more able to do the "right feeling" things even when they're VERY hard or difficult to do... This has been a GREAT gift! Better than anything I could possibly have done with him!!!
Apparently it takes a VERY long time to "let go" of a STRONG connection like this one... especially when it has felt "good"... I find it's the things which have felt or which I've thought were "good" or "beautiful" which are the HARDEST to drop... especially when I've never gone in the direction I'm headed in now, so I don't know... Maybe I won't like this new exploration... Maybe it won't feel SO "good"... Maybe... The "maybe's", questions and doubts often bind me tight to a feature of my past... Perhaps being "now" would be easier if I could just "let it go"... but then too... the longer I've hung on, the more I've understood... By feeling, examining and understanding each tiny thread which has bound me to this man, I've loosened the ties one by one... then by re-connecting each one, inside, to my own parts and faces I've tied me together instead... so I'm more whole... more whole than I EVER could have been if I hadn't worked for so long understanding and re-attaching each tiny thread! The me I've become isn't wanted there anymore either... Knowing I no longer suit him... also helps me to "let go" and "move on"... and I've needed this help too... because even after more than 20 years... sometimes... sometimes I still missed... still missed something that was... something which used to be there... with him... missed a "something" which I also found to a lesser degree with the man whose initial comes next... but then, I DO like the "me" I've become SO MUCH better than the "me" I used to be... and I live with ME every moment of every day and ALL night too, NOT just sometimes...
As of the middle of November 2021, 24 years have passed since I first started working to "let go" of the man whose initial comes first... Even after all these years of working HARD to "let him go"... NOT because I wanted to, but because it felt necessary, required and "right"... I've still had trouble, sometimes A LOT of trouble because it felt like something important was missing... It has, though, gotten increasingly clear that our journeys no longer mesh well and that it's better for me to learn how to travel alone... and this realization has helped me A LOT! I definitely feel I have more to learn from a solo journey! Nonetheless, even after ALL the years and ALL the HARD work I've still had trouble... sometimes... with no connection at all to this man. I DO want to try this solo journey, so I DON'T want to just replace him with another, but I still feel like I'd have been happy with a little here... with him. No connection at all has been VERY uncomfortable... a sad undercurrent I've just had to live with... However, as time goes on I notice I'm missing less and less... and in fact, now at last, just as I begin December 2021, I feel finally free from this "missing" that has haunted me for so long! As a result, I'm hopeful that I HAVE managed, at long last, to turn this VERY difficult and challenging corner of my life's path! However, after working SO hard for SO long to walk away from him, I'm definitely stronger and find I'm more and more able to do the "right feeling" things even when they're VERY hard or difficult to do... This has been a GREAT gift! Better than anything I could possibly have done with him!!!
Apparently it takes a VERY long time to "let go" of a STRONG connection like this one... especially when it has felt "good"... I find it's the things which have felt or which I've thought were "good" or "beautiful" which are the HARDEST to drop... especially when I've never gone in the direction I'm headed in now, so I don't know... Maybe I won't like this new exploration... Maybe it won't feel SO "good"... Maybe... The "maybe's", questions and doubts often bind me tight to a feature of my past... Perhaps being "now" would be easier if I could just "let it go"... but then too... the longer I've hung on, the more I've understood... By feeling, examining and understanding each tiny thread which has bound me to this man, I've loosened the ties one by one... then by re-connecting each one, inside, to my own parts and faces I've tied me together instead... so I'm more whole... more whole than I EVER could have been if I hadn't worked for so long understanding and re-attaching each tiny thread! The me I've become isn't wanted there anymore either... Knowing I no longer suit him... also helps me to "let go" and "move on"... and I've needed this help too... because even after more than 20 years... sometimes... sometimes I still missed... still missed something that was... something which used to be there... with him... missed a "something" which I also found to a lesser degree with the man whose initial comes next... but then, I DO like the "me" I've become SO MUCH better than the "me" I used to be... and I live with ME every moment of every day and ALL night too, NOT just sometimes...
The poem below... was written, but never delivered, a few years ago to C... However, it does apply, in a way, to these others as well... Although I definitely valued two of them most as friends, I did still want to play a kind of similar "couple/sexual" game with each of them... It was the only game I knew how to play... the only way I knew to express and work with the kinds of STRONG feelings I had... However, LIFE's plans have, in the end, clearly included only separate paths in all cases. I've had to adjust to comply... I discovered it's FAR easier to lose the men and the sexual part of my being as well as all of the ideas and behavioral patterns attached to these than it is to lose my connection to LIFE!
To C: ....
How have we become so old?
Me 60 and you almost 70...
Wasn't it only an hour ago
I'd only just turned 26 and you were 34?
But I wanted to play "house" then
And I don't anymore...
I used to think the "couple" game was the only game in town...but I've discovered it is NOT!!! I've found a new game now and am exploring different things...
Sitting with all I've written here, I know I REALLY wanted just to give each of these men something they TRULY needed... something each of their souls required... I don't know if I've done this... understand I'll probably never know... However, each of them, each in their own way, HAS given me what I TRULY needed... some piece, or more usually, pieces of my life's puzzle on which to work... Consequently, I'm hoping I've somehow managed to give each of them a similar gift...
Sitting with all I've written here, I know I REALLY wanted just to give each of these men something they TRULY needed... something each of their souls required... I don't know if I've done this... understand I'll probably never know... However, each of them, each in their own way, HAS given me what I TRULY needed... some piece, or more usually, pieces of my life's puzzle on which to work... Consequently, I'm hoping I've somehow managed to give each of them a similar gift...
This Post's Flavor(s) : poetry, puzzle, human, process
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